8/26/2023 0 Comments I get wasted every nightThe goal is not to be compliant, but to honor your own desires. You don’t have to do what he suggests if it doesn’t fit for you. ![]() If he says, “How about sleeping with earplugs in?” and you want to be able to hear the kids if they wake up, you can say exactly that. And when he makes a suggestion, you want to be open to whatever that is and try it on. You would want to say this in a normal, neutral voice, not a dripping-with-resentment one. ![]() See how that’s all about you and not about his drinking? I’m trying to figure out how to solve that one.” You might say, “Can I borrow your brain? I’m trying to get more sleep lately, and I notice I have trouble getting back to sleep after you come home. when he gets home, and you can’t get back to sleep right away. Then, ask yourself what it is about your husband’s drinking that’s impacting you, and speak to that directly, but not as a complaint.įor instance, let’s say he wakes you up at 2 a.m. For example, you might say, “How was the pub last night?” in a light tone-the same one you’d use to say, “How was work?” I wouldn’t suggest celebrating it, but you might just treat it like any other part of his life where he’s away. Now what? How is that going to improve your situation, you might wonder.ĭoes this mean you should applaud him for closing down the bar on a school night again? Let Him Solve Your Problem Instead of Trying to Solve His This is true of trying to control any unwanted behavior in your husband. Trying to control his drinking-even subtly, even mildly-is pushing the accelerator, not the brake. So it’s good to know which button you’re pressing. Pressing the accelerator when you were looking for the brake can have really negative consequences. If you want a husband who’s sober, and you’ve been telling him to drink less or to stop drinking, you were unwittingly pressing the button that makes him feel compelled to drink more. It means you stop punishing, resenting, and criticizing him for his drinking. Quite the opposite: accepting his drinking is a prerequisite to changing everything for the better, and it just means that you don’t tell him to change. I’m not saying things will never improve. You are not agreeing to suffer endlessly if you accept his drinking. You are not agreeing to be the designated driver forever and ever, amen. That does not mean you’re signing up for a lifetime of smelling his whiskey breath while he snores contentedly after he broke the lamp and knocked the picture off the wall. The way to influence his drinking is to first accept it. That doesn’t mean you can’t influence his drinking-in my experience, you definitely can. It’s incredibly contrary, right? But here’s what’s interesting. So if he doesn’t feel that you accept his drinking, he will repeat it until you do accept him-drinking and all. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.” ![]() When a wife tells her husband not to drink, or asks if he thinks he should be drinking so much, or complains about his drinking, I have never seen that result in him drinking less.Īuthor John Gray says it’s like this: “When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. But here’s what I’ve observed about human nature and wifely influence. You’re not responsible for his choices-not at all. Of course, your husband is the only one who can decide how much he will drink, and how often.
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